Hi Friend,

You are probably at this place because you have discovered you are pregnant; you weren't prepared for a pregnancy; and you want some advice about what you do now.  You might have been directed here by another friend or we might have already met on a crisis pregnancy board.   No matter how you got here you're welcome and I'll share what I can with you.  If there's something else you'd like to know about after you finish this page just let me know.  

As always I will put my cards on the table immediately and let you know I am a "choice supporter" but what that really means is I will have no qualms supporting whichever choice you decide is best for you. I am not trying to push you in either direction but will provide you with information, and act as a resource if you want, and it's then up to you what you do with it. 

First let me clear up something that stands out in many posts. Some women say: "I was thinking about getting a medical abortion, but I'm not sure yet which is best." Whether you have a surgical or a chemical (medical) abortion the result is the same - both are abortion and there are pro and con reasons for using either. Don't be fooled into thinking that the medical route is 'easier' although women who choose that method often say they feel more in charge and control of their bodies as a result. If you want me to go deeper into that just ask me. 

Often confusion is a natural result of the fear which, of course, you are feeling at this time. The 'flight - fight' feeling as psychologists call it,  that is going on in your head, is what creates this confusion and it is a quite natural reaction to a highly stressful situation. What you need to do, if at all possible, is detach from the situation, and get some time for yourself to do some cool headed evaluation of your alternatives. You have a little time so don't feel rushed if possible. This is an essential first step - and it's one you must take alone because only you are certain to live with the consequences. 

Let's start with what some people say concerning the 'evil' of abortion. "I hate having you make this decision and knowing that you are destroying a life." you might be told. This is a viewpoint frequently used by those who oppose abortion in order to manipulate women into abandoning rational thought, and instead react to their agenda in an emotional way only. Abortion has been practiced well into antiquity and many churches and people of good moral character see it as a right a woman has to control her own body, and make her own fertility choices, not as a moral or immoral act. 

Do you consider yourself a religious person? The presence of a soul then becomes a part of the discussion but even the abortion opposed Catholic Church has had various positions on this - dating back to the first century CE. Catholics, by the way, have abortions at about the same rate as Protestant Christians, so the women of that faith obviously do not agree, by their actions,  with the current church teaching. If you are interested in looking at an alternative thought on this, from a religious viewpoint, check Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice The Jewish position is particularly interesting one also, since the Christian position flows from that. Whether you're Catholic or not the position of Catholics For a Free Choice is worth reading. Summing up - the religious argument is really a matter of individual conscience and your conscience is very much dependent on your knowledge of the subject. If you are knowledgable enough to recognize the difference between a zygote/embryo and a baby - between a blueprint and a house - then you will react differently to somebody who is unaware of the difference. If, you are a religious person, and if you were to choose abortion, you would not be acting in any less moral a way that the other millions of women of good religious morals who in good conscience, made that choice. 

You will be urged to evaluate your options by others, and I would also seriously urge you to do this, although I would prefer to have you actually sit and write your choices and responses. When you are finished this exercise I want you to be able to say "This is my decision, that I have made..not my boyfriend, my parents or anyone else! To get to that point you need to gather the facts and look at the alternatives. To get to understanding those alternatives you need to do some work on planning your course of action. 

For this reason one of the first things you should do, whether you decide to continue with the pregnancy or not, is make an appointment with your doctor, and have some tests done if needed. I'm not trying to scare you but an ectopic pregnancy can be potentially life threatening and you should make sure you don't put yourself at risk. This may include an ultrasound. If you already have an OB/GYN specialist many can perform abortions in their office so your privacy and comfort is even more assured. I'm sure, if you need it, the health office at your college or perhaps place of employment, can guide you to medical help. I can see from your post asking for guidance that you have already made that first step in taking control and urge you to make that doctors appointment and perhaps call a womens health center for an idea of how far ahead you need to book with them, and even perhaps book a tentative appointment witht hem. I really do want to urge you to make sure if you decide not to keep that clinic appointment that you make an appointment with your own doctor for the reasons I outlined. Tubal ectopics will often show up in the first six weeks after your last period. 

This questionnaire is also on my site and will give you a good checklist of things to think about while you make your decision. Perhaps you might print off the questions and think them over as you answer them and then go back and fill them in. 

And you may want to look over this one also: How to be a good parent  from Planned Parenthood. While talking it over with your boyfriend or Significant Other, and others, is important, and helps you get a handle on your own feelings, you should be very careful to make sure that the only one in full control of decision making is you. Don't sell your family short - and if you feel comfortable enough Moms (not necessarily yours) can be good friends, especially if they know you well.

Whether you talk to 'Mom' or not I strongly advise you to sit down face to face with a real live person who is able to advise you and give you counsel. You are the most important one in this decision and you may need to be self centered at times while you go through this process. Don't let anybody try to interpret this as selfish. It's not. It's acting in your own self interest in order to make the best possible decision for your life. You, after all, will be the one living with the decision. As I am writing this I see you as a young woman with the potential to have a baby, and not as a young woman with a baby. Pregnancy is, after all, something that takes time to complete, or putting it another way - pregnancy is a process. It's not something that happens in an instant as some claim. The pro choice vision of you at this time in your pregnancy is a woman with a potential to have a child. Your decision will very much depend on how you see yourself. 

This certainly is a life changing decision you will be making. It could be possible to continue the pregnancy, and possibly with a great deal of sacrifice on your part get your life back on track. However the work to do that will definitely make your life a great deal more challenging and the truth is the odds are very much against you doing so the younger and less settled than you are right now, but only you can decide if this is good for you. It will be tough enough without the extra challenges of finances and support for example. A number of agencies are more than happy to help you through the pregnancy and perhaps for a short time after that but remember babies need care for a minimum of 18 years usually. 

With respect to those 'helping' agencies' do understand that the CPCs (crisis pregnancy centers) are there to persuade you not to terminate your pregnancy and will use every trick in the book to get you to carry to term, guilt, religion, shame, calling you selfish, insist you are a murderer, and any other trick available. If you have not already decided to complete the pregnancy then stay away from a CPC until the decision is final. If you do decide to continue the pregnancy CPCs are a good resource. 

A few more pieces of miscellaneous advice - if you have not already done so. There is a lunatic fringe around the anti abortion movement and I would strongly suggest you set up an anonymous web mailbox for discussing or corresponding with anybody you feel comfortable enough to share thoughts with. I would recommend Mail box or a similar service. Do be aware that a number of unplanned pregnancy support boards are set up specifically to use email to pressure you against abortion and it can be difficult to think clearly if you are being bombarded with emails like this. It was no accident that the majority of the answers you get at most Unplanned Pregnancy Sites are from abortion opponents who scour the net looking for just such people as you. It is my experience that among the more neutral  and helpful. sites are the Women 2 Women boards and the  Ivillage Abortion Support board (just click to the latest board there if necessary).A number of the other boards are moderated by women who are actively opposed to abortion and the sites for them are used as a type of "sidewalk 'counselling'" or entrapment area,  so be aware and when you post to them that they will be pressuring you. 

There's a lot to think of there, so it's time for me to stop - Don't feel you have to make the final decision today - but feel free to contact me if you need to talk, or more specific information. 
If you've followed some of the advice here you're beginning to form a plan which is exclusively yours. Let your plan be your guide. 

Thinking of you, and hoping you aren't still so Scared and Unsure, 
In strength,

Eileen